Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
