Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize