why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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