I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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