ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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