we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
