Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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