if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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