I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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