hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
