so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
