I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
