Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
