I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
