Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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