Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
