i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
