Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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