I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a search helicopter?!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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