Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
