My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize