I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
ugly people sure do ruin things
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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