Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
