i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
