cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
