Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
