Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm passing your future prison.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
