I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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