Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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