I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
