he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
