I think my fart just growled at me.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
