i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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