If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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