This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
