I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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