Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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