operation have a gay friend backfired
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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