Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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