I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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