you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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