I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
