i think my tv is drunk
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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