don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He did a backflip because drugs
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