The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
