I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Let's get the cat blown out
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
