My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
