I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
