you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
