Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
