I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
