u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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