I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
