I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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