My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
