cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
