i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
