Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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