never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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