I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
