hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
