I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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